Ableism comes in many forms

I am on a FaceBook group for siblings of folks with disabilities. Often folks ask for advice or support. Sometimes they commiserate about some hardship. Sometimes they complain or feel sorry for themselves.  Some revel in their experience, some wallow, some fight back.  And some attack.

One instance I recently encountered sent me reeling and I still have not fully landed. 

A member reposted an image form a different FaceBook group of a set of sibs with the following quote:

"I am a sibling of someone who has special needs. I believe this is the best thing that ever happened to me because now I see the world through the eyes of possibility."

In her repost she added the comment, "I know this is true for some sibs, definitely not for me. I love my brother but it's a life fraught with difficulties and pain. I sometimes think parents need to believe this positive spin to feel better. What do you think?"

I was rather shocked by the torrent of negative comments about the quote and the rallying behind the reposter. "I love my brother. He's a great guy. But he is most certainly not the best thing that ever happened to me. I doubt very many typical siblings even feel that way about their typical sibs. Please. The BEST thing??? He might have been the biggest thing in my personal growth. Maybe. But my husband and kids are the best thing that ever happened to me. And possibility? This is the best they could do??? Possibility of WHAT? right?! My possibilities are so limited as a result of so much responsibility at a young age and anticipated responsibility in the future."

Then the buzzword "toxic positivity" started flying

"Ugh. I think this is a great example of toxic positivity. It's kind of reductive for something that can be pretty complex. Sure, there are plenty of good effects of having a disabled sibling, but also lots of negatives. Not to mention all the burdens of expectation for future care that so many parents put on their typical children. It also begs the question, "possibility for who", because those pressures for future care seem to cut off possibilities for the future more than they create them, especially limiting possibilities for the life of the presumed caregiver."

"I have mixed feelings about this. Yes, I think as sibs we become more empathetic and we’re attuned with knowing people have different lives and backgrounds and family circumstances. HOWEVER, this definitely sounds like toxic positivity."

And so many presumptions.

"I love my brother so, so much. And I love that working in a field related to him and other adults like him has in some ways made me a more considerate person. But I’m not seeing what these possibilities are this post is referring to. Would I change my relationship with my brother? No. Like I said, I love him as he is and he’s the sweetest person I know. But the best thing? I don’t think so. This had to have been made by someone who isn’t one of us—an actual sib or family member who knows what our loves entail or has entailed. Or it’s a parent who thinks they know what their neurotypical child is thinking. Guess what—they have their own thoughts."

So I had to post a response: "I love my brother. We are great friends. We had a great childhood full of adventure. We hung out together through our 20s and 30s, and even lived together. We are still close though we live in different states. Having my brother is one of the best things to happen to me. His disability is not a factor in this, however. We just really like each other. Maybe I’m in the minority."

And the original poster replied to me: "Or your situation is just very different and that's great."

Exactly--maybe my situation--and MANY OTHERS including the original poster's--are very different. Maybe we are all very different as are our siblings and their experiences. It made me sad and a bit angry that a nice post about a sibling believing that having a sib with a disability was the best thing for THEM turned into something so negative. Several posters also said the post was "inspiration porn" a term coined by disability advocate Stella Young. Inspiration Porn is when folks without disabilities hold those with disabilities high up on a pedestal to be admired, to be an inspiration to the rest of us. The old "if the guy with a disability can do it, gosh darn it, so can you!" adage. But I have to disagree. I do not think that every time someone shows esteem for a person with a disability it is inspiration porn. I talk about my brother who has a disability a lot! I do not do it as inspiration but rather because I am proud of him and because I want to share his accomplishments. I do the same for my son and nephews and cousins and friends. It is not inspiration porn when I talk about their accomplishments, but suddenly because my brother has a disability it is seen in a negative light. It is viewed as using him and his disability to inspire others to keep trying. That is sad and misguided. I think the folks whose minds automatically go there are the problem, not those of us who are sharing the feats of our disabled comrades. This is ableism at its best.